Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
