i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
