I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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