did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
