so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
