I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Rumble strips road head = magical
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
