I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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