oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
