I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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