I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
