I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
