I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
