Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
