I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize