Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
