would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
