Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
