The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Houston, we have a blender
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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