I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
