If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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