I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
