this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
