this beer tastes like vomit already
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Even my vagina gasped.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
