I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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