I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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