No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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