im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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