i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
