I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have aggressive nipples.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
