i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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