Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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