Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
