dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
