At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
