he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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