9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
