i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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