I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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