life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
