Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
