Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
