Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
