I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
