I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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