I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
