I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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