life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
