OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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