I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
