I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Who died my cat blue again?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize