Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
