I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
