you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
