I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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