eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
