he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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