Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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