You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
