the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
3pm strippers are depressing
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
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