I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
