i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize