MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
