he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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