Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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