this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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