i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
